


Reality Check: Steven Universe

by dobokdude



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Drama, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 08:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15432699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dobokdude/pseuds/dobokdude
Summary: Ahhh, Steven Universe. A show known for it's adventure, laughs, feelz, meme faces and a fair amount of stupidity. Follow OC Turquoise on this journey through the most hilariously idiotic, nonsensical and illogical decisions and moments of characters we all know and love! Rated T for the mild language.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Reality Check: Steven Universe
> 
> Hey everyone! Hope you’re having a great summer. For those of you who have to go back to school, I won’t be joining ya! I feel great having graduated in June and ready to move on to college. Anywho, this is a new work which will be the first of many in which the characters of a certain series are called out for their terrible decisions and events
> 
> I plan on doing similar for other shows, each which will have a unique OC to call out the bull(bleep) from the characters we all know and love. For this series, I give you...Turquoise!
> 
>  
> 
> (A gem steps onto stage with a bowlcut, a black vest with dual pauldrons, cylindrical forearm gauntlets with rounded ends, black pants reaching to half her calves and turquoise skin with the hair a darker shade and a gem on her left upper chest)
> 
>  
> 
> Turquoise: Hello, Earthlings! Turquoise at your service. Mr. Dobokdude has invited me to observe, analyse and intervene in some of the most idiotic moments of this otherwise great show. Throughout mankind’s history, the turquoise gem has often been associated with protection, which is essentially what I’m doing for heroes and villains alike. As you can see, I do not have Crystal Gem star or the Homeworld Diamond symbol because well, both are REALLY incompetent. I couldn’t bear serving either side.
> 
>  
> 
> Me: Ah yes, as much as a fan as I am I tend to agree. But anyway, let’s get on with the show.
> 
>  
> 
> Turquoise: This is not owned by us, aside from yours truly everything belongs to the ‘’Rebecca Sugar’’, the network for cartoons and their affiliates. Please support the offcial release.
> 
>  
> 
> Both: Enjoy!

Part 1: Gem Glow, Laser Light Cannon, Cheeseburger Backpack

This can’t be happening! This has to be a dream! Lars! Lars! *grabs Lars around waist* Please tell me I’m dreaming!

*shakes Steven off* Get off me man, I’m stocking here!

 

I’m sorry, Steven. I guess they stopped making them.

 

Stopped making them?! Why in the world would they stop making Cookie Cats?! They’re only the most scrumptious and delicious ice-cream sandwich ever made! Don’t they have laws for this?!

Lars kneels in front of cabinet, sighing. ‘’Tough bits, man. Nobody buys them anymore. I guess they couldn’t compete with Lion Lickers.’’ Lars responded stocking shelves.

 

‘’Or you could just buy another brand?’’ The three turned to see Turquoise standing there. ‘’Huh, what do you me-’’

 

‘’What I mean, and correct me if I’m wrong but here on Earth there isn’t simply one brand of these ice cream confections.’’ She opened the panel of her forearm gauntlet and an image of various ice creams and names appeared. Look at this: Dreyers, Ben and Jerry’s, Breyers, and Haagen Daaz. There’s even entire conglomerates of merchant shops dedicated to selling similar items such as Baskin Robbins and Cold Stone Creamery. Are you seriously thinking that it would be impossible to find another place which sells similar items to that which you miss?’’

 

Steven put a hand on his chin. ‘’Well now that I think about it yeah, you’re right. I cried like a baby over nothing.’’

 

Steven, Sadie and Turquoise laughed while Lars rolled his eyes, mumbling under his breath.

 

…

 

Steven began running up to the door of the Gem house, humming the toon to the Cookie Cat theme song with the ice cream freezer hanging from his back. As he walked in, he saw Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl fighting various centipede like monsters, who had green liquid dripping from their pincers. One lunged at Steven but Amethyst yanked it away with her whip, greeting Steven. Turquoise quickly showed up and knocked another away with her Gem weapon, a short staff/baton.

 

Pearl looked over to them, yanking one one of the insectoid creatures. ‘’Ugh! Sorry, Steven. We’ll get these Centipeetles out of your room. We think they were trying to get into the temple.’’

 

Turquoise shook her head furiously. ‘’What the hell you guys?’’

Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl as looked at her, having mopped up the last of the monsters ‘’What is it?’’

 

‘’What do you mean ‘’what is it?’’. You have an infestation of dangerous monsters with sharp pincers and who spit acid, the kid your leader entrusted you with to take care of walks in and is attacked and you are all so calm about it?’’

 

The three look at each other, before Amethyst speaks up. ‘’Well, they aren’t that dangerous…’’

 

‘’What in the name of Yellow Diamond’s galaxy-sized ego are you talking about?! They aren’t that dangerous to you, but Steven is mostly human. And these things, again spit acid and in case you didn’t know that stuff seriously hurts humans. You ever heard of an acid attack? Those are unfortunately very common among various human cultures and it is certainly not pretty.’’ Turquoise then covered Steven’s eyes and then projected a holographic display of several victims of said attacks. Garnet stood in shock, Amethyst cringed in horror, and Pearl’s eyes were wide and she covered her mouth in complete shock.

 

Turquoise turned off the display. ‘’Yeah, that’s what almost happened to Steven because you guys weren’t responsible. I mean, one of you couldn’t stand outside the door to wait for Steven and keep him outside till you got them all? That would’ve been far more safer, and you could have looked out for anymore Centipeedles that may have still been outside.’’

 

Garnet adjusted her shades. ‘’Now that I think about it, we really didn’t think this through.’’ Garnet and Amethyst looked down, ashamed.

 

‘’You know, I get the feeling this won’t be the only time something like this happens.’’ Steven said.

 

‘’You have no idea.’’ Turquoise said.

 

…

 

‘’Pearl looks through the Red Eye with a telescope. This is bad. Look at the size of it, I had no idea these things were so big!’’

Amethyst runs towards them carrying Steven. ‘’Garnet! Pearl!’’

‘’ We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity. *angry* Where were you?’’

Amethyst puts Steven down* ... Eating fry bits. Pearl sighs.

Steven goes over the the telescope. ‘’Oh, can I see? Woah. It's a giant eyeball! Awesome!’’

‘’NOT awesome! It's a Red Eye!’’

‘’A Red Eye?! It’s going to infect us all!’’

‘’That’s pink eye, Steven.’’ Garnet said, causing Amethyst to laugh.

‘’ It’s going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people! We have to stop it.’’  
‘’What are we going to do?’’ Steven asked.

Garnet adjusted her visor. The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a Laser Light Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz.

Turquoise then walked up next to them. ‘’Or a nuke.’’

Everyone turned to face her. ‘’What?’’

‘’Yeah here’s the thing. Humans, while still far behind gems in terms of technology have come fairly far, to the point to where they have developed guided projectiles which release large blasts of nuclear radiation with devastating effect. Of course the eye has entered the atmosphere, and thus detonating a nuke would cause a massive blackout due to the EMP and plus the ensuing fallout. But even then, there’s no reason why there can’t be a squadron of Air Force and Navy jets to fire on with non-nuclear but still powerful rockets. I mean seriously, how can the human government with all it’s resources especially satellites not notice or do anything about an ominous alien object floating in the sky. Hell why haven’t you guys been shipped off to some place called Area 51 or at least visited by government agents?’’

 

‘’Huh, that actually makes alot of sense.’’ Pearl said. ‘’Honestly this is part of why I view humans the way I do. All the Gem stuff around them and they are almost entirely aloof.’’ Everyone nodded in agreetment before turning back to the Red Eye.

 

‘’So I’ll go get the cannon.’’ Steven said, Turquoise following along muttering under her breath.

…

 

Steven enters the house and sees Garnet covered in feathers. ‘’Huh’’?

‘’Hello, Steven.’’

‘’Amethyst, we do not need that! It's not going to fit in the fridge!’’ Pearl shouted at Amethyst who had a giant egg.

‘’What? I got this.’’ Amethyst said as she slowly slides a tray out of the fridge, spilling the milk and dropping the bagels, and puts in the giant egg.

‘’Look, it fits!’’ She said, slamming the refrigerator door, a crack being heard inside. ‘’ Oh, man. We can make a big omelet, or a quiche, or big sunny side ups!—’’

Pearl looks back at Steven. ‘’We fought a giant bird. We're only here for a second, we've got to go back out.’’

‘’What? Why?’’ Steven asked.

Pearl shows Steven the statue. ‘’We have to place this Moon Goddess Statue on the top of the Lunar Sea Spire before midnight. Without it, the whole place will fall apart! Oh, Steven, you should have seen the spire in its heyday. *projects hologram of the Sea Spire* It was an oasis for Gems on Earth. It's abandoned now, but we can still save it with this statue!’’

Turquoise then appears, looking at Pearl with a perplexed face. ‘’Seriously?’’

 

‘’What?’’ Pearl said, confused.

‘’Well correct me if I’m wrong but the reason the Crystal Gems were formed is to rebel against the Gem Homeworld since they were exploiting this planet for it’s resources regardless of the consequences to the native species, which Rose Quartz saw the potential of and decided to protect, correct?’’

‘’Shhhhh!’’ Steven’s not ready to-’’

‘’Wait, what?!’’ Steven asked surprised.

‘’So essentially your reminiscing and trying to preserve what is essentially just a piece of what your enemies would have done to this planet which would have wiped out all organic life on this planet that your leader cared for. Ignoring how dangerous it’s gonna be considering the thousands of decades of decay likely lead to much decrease in structural integrity, Steven is Rose’s son! Do you not see the disturbing irony of trying to project the remnants of a genocidal terraforming operation that your leader fought against in a positive light to the one person she entrusted you to care for after her demise. And you were ‘’doing it all for her’’, Pearl?

 

Pearl said nothing, instead bursting into tears and running out of the room. Amethyst laughed hysterically, while Garnet rubbed her chin thoughtfully. ‘’Gee, why didn’t I realize before how bad an idea that this was.’’ 

‘’Eh, I’m getting used to it.’’ Steven said. ‘’But check out what I got in the mail!’’


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reality Check: Steven Universe 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Turquoise: Greetings everyone! We hoped you liked Part 1, because the best is yet to come for this series. 
> 
>  
> 
> Me: That’s right! So let’s get on with another round of nonsense, raised eyebrows and ruined childhoods!
> 
>  
> 
> Part 2: Together Breakfast, Frybo, Cat Fingers, Bubble Buddies

‘’Ah, Garnet, perfect!’’ Steven exclaims carrying the Together Breakfast. ‘’Check it out! It’s not exactly healthy, but it’s in a stack, so I guess you could say, it’s a balanced breakfast?’’ The chubby boy said making a strained face. ‘’You know, like I made us all breakfast. I thought we could eat together. Like, like best buds!’’

 

‘’I can’t stay. There’s business to attend to inside the temple.’’ Garnet said opening the Temple Gate.

 

‘’Aw, business? Like what?’’

 

‘’I have to burn this.’’ Garnet unfurled a scroll with mystic symbols and then whispering is heard coming from the scroll.

 

‘’Cool!’’ Steven said taking a picture with his smartphone and then looks at the picture. Just then Garnet grabbed the phone.

 

‘’Ah!’’ Steven exclaimed.

 

‘’I have to burn this, too.’’

 

‘’Or.’’ Turquoise said, leaning against a corner. ‘’You could simply delete the photo. I mean, human smartphones have various functions, one of them being able to record a video or photo file and even delete it if it takes up data space or they no longer want it. Also I’m sure Steven probably has pictures of him, you guys and his dad from throughout the years stored on that and it would be kinda f&^%ed up to do that to a kid.’’

‘’Huh, your right.’’ Garnet said, pushing delete on the selected image. ‘’Man, how am I the leader when I can’t even think of these things.’’

…

Garnet takes out the scroll and begins to burn it within a bubble, Amethyst and Pearl drop down from above.

 

‘’Steven, we’re getting you out of here.’’ Pearl whispered anxiously.  
‘’Come on.’’ Amethyst chimed in.

 

‘’Oh, this is great! We’re all together!’’ Steven yelled, causing Garnet to be distracted and a large smoke monster begins to escape.

 

Steven, however remains oblivious. ‘’We can finally eat! I mean, we don’t have any forks, but we can use our hands! I’m not gonna judge.’’  
Garnet, distracted but still trying to contain spirit, yelled. ‘’Steven, go!’’

 

‘’Okay, want to meet in the kitchen?’’  
Garnet becomes too distracted and Smoke Monster escapes and expands. She, Amethyst and Pearl summon their weapons.

 

‘’It’s trying to escape! Force it back!’’ The taller Gem ordered.The three begin to fight the spirit, doing damage to it while Steven backs away. Once harmed too much, the spirit makes a dash for Steven, and hits the breakfast, possessing it and knocking Steven down.

 

‘’STEVEN!’’ They all cry in unison.

 

Turquoise then ran into the room, looked at the scene before her and sighed. ‘’You know, has it ever occured to you that in these situations one of you guys should keep an eye on and safeguard the son of your fallen friend and leader who is out of shape, naive and is completely oblivious to the danger around him? You’re just gonna do battle and not have one of you take him to a safer distance from the fight? How could Rose Quartz leave her son in the care of you guys when you’re all stupid as f&^%? It’s a goddamned miracle he’s still drawing breath from this planet!

 

All three looked at her, then each other. ‘’Wow, guys we really are dumb#$#es.’’ Amethyst said.

 

….

Steven was rummaging and peering through his messy laundry ‘’Where are you? Tsk tsk tsk. You’re a mess, Steven.’’

 

Pearl then walks by, holding seven Gem Shards in a bubble ‘’I know I had eight…’’ She said, then walked over to Steven. Hey, Steven, have you seen a Gem Shard anywhere? It’s very important.’’

 

‘’No, have you seen my pants? They’re also very important.’’

 

‘’I’m serious, Steven.’’ Pearl began. ‘’These Shards have a powerful partial consciousness that has been harnessed by Gems throughout history in order to create semi-sentient drone soldiers with the capacity to follow basic orders. Gems once created an army of these drones, but found their obedience waned as the shards overdeveloped inside their uniforms and turned on their commanders. You see, any shard imprinted by any sort of container could become a monster. That’s why it’s very, very important it’s kept away from any kind of garment…’’

 

Steven however, was thinking at the exact same time, blocking out most of what Pearl has said after “in order”* They weren’t in the kitchen either... under the bed! No wait, I looked there too. And then Pearl walked in... *mind gasp* Pearl! Oh jeez, she’s really explaining something... I can’t just start listening now, I’d be lost! ... Just like my pants... “...could become a monster”

 

‘’If you see it, bring it to me, right away. I’m going to check in town.’’

‘’Hey Pearl.’’ Turquoise said. ‘’Shouldn’t you clarify with Steven that he heard you so he understands the importance and danger of the situation? That way he doesn’t misunderstand and get himself and others caught up in another one of his convoluted and dangerous misadventures where s$%# always hits the fan?’’

Pearl thought for a second. ‘’Nah.’’

Me: Guys, I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m really gonna let Pearl have it in this series. Just an FYI.

…

Steven groans in pain and distress as more and more cat heads take up his body. ‘’Dad! Help! Eeeeer!! The cat fingers are taking over my body!’’ Several more cats then pop up. ‘’Eeeeer!!’’

 

‘’Hold on, wha- I'll get you out of there!’’ As Greg reached for his son, cat bit his arm and threw him to the side.  
Steven: No! Bad! Bad cat fingers! (He steps in a puddle and the cats makes him jump to the roof.)  
Greg: Can't you make them go away?

 

‘’I tried, but it made it worse!’’Steven cried. ‘’Ohh, my life is over! I can't go on magic adventures! I can't even open the fridge! And I'll never get to have another water fight with you, Dad! Because these things hate... water! They hate water! Dad, spray me again!’’ Greg sprays him with the hose and he jumps down. Then the cats run towards Greg.

 

‘’Aaahahahaaahhh!’’ Greg screamed before Steven grabbed the side of the car wash stopping the cats in time.

 

‘’It's not enough water! Turn on the super-wash!’’  
‘’No, I won't do it! It's too dangerous!’’

 

‘’You've got to! I'm a monster! I'm an adorable cat monster!’’

 

‘’Actually your dad is correct.’’ Turquoise said walking up next to Greg. ‘’Going into that vehicle sanitation bay would be literal suicide. Those pressure washer water sprayers must at least have 1200-1900 psi to them, and those brushing appendages usually rotate at 100 to 500 rpm. Combine that with your excessive amount of weak flesh going in there would leave a bloody and gory mess straight out of one of these B horror movies I’ve heard about. Why not just go to the beach and submerge yourself in the ocean till the cats wear off instead?’’

 

‘’Wow, thanks Turquoise. We did what I was thinking it probably would have ended pretty badly.’’ The three began laughing but then another cat popped up on Steven’s face. ‘’Guys, a little help?’’

…

Steven and Connie, stuck in a bubble, try to roll the it to Steven's house, but can't get up the steep hill.

 

‘’Awww what? Hey guys! Garnet! Help!’’ Steven shouted.

 

‘’I don't think they can hear you.’’ Connie replied.

 

Steven slaps his palm onto his forehead. ‘’Aaaww... That's right. I told them not to watch.’’  
‘’We can just wait here until they come out.’’

 

‘’No, no, no, it's okay! I've got other friends that can help.’’ Just then Turquoise comes along. 

‘’Or I could get you out of the bubble, or you could wait for the others, instead of going on a dangerous escapade trapped inside this bubble with no food, water and limited oxygen.’’

Steven and Connie looked at each other. ‘’Nah.’’

…

Steven and Connie’s bubble lands in the ocean, sinking to the floor.

 

‘’Where are we?

 

‘’The bottom of the ocean.’’ Connie gasps, horrified. ‘’It’s okay!’’ The curly haired boy reassured.

 

‘’Are we even close to the shore?’’ Connie asked an edge to his voice.

 

‘’Yeah, sure!’’

 

‘’Let's start rolling.’’ Connie said.

 

‘’It's a good thing this bubble is air tight, otherwise we'd be drowning right now.’’ Steven said laughing nervously, but then saw Connie’s mortified expression. ‘’ Don't worry 

Connie, I have an idea that will definitely work, when we get back—’’

 

The Worm Monster then swims above them, scaring Connie.

 

Steven: A huge worm! It's okay, look. It only wants to eat that bright stuff. See? Not scary at all.’’

 

The Worm monster continued chewing the bright red seaweed and then began to burrow under ground, causing a crevice to open up directly under them, and they sink deeper in   
the ocean.)

 

‘’Ughhh…’’ Steven moaned, and then realized his foot is on Connie's face. ‘’Oh, sorry! Are you alright? ‘’Connie stands up, wordless. ‘’It's not so bad, uhhh. It-it's okay, I uh…’’

 

Connie: It's NOT okay! You keep saying that but guess what Steven! It’s pretty f%$#ing clear we’re going to die!’’

 

Turquoise, in a small submersible moved up by them. ‘’Yeah she’s right. At the depths you two are at, once that bubble pops you’ll be crushed by the thousands of psi weighing down on you, especially considering how far you’ve fallen, it should have happened alr-’’

 

Just then the bubble popped and the two children grabbed their throats and their eyes bulged wide but then there bodies began to crumple like paper, leaving a burst of blood and bits of tissue from the insides that had caved under the weight of the ocean. Turquoise was shocked, and then shook her head sadly.

 

‘’Alas the young have so much potential, and yet so motherf&^%ing dumb.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me:And that’s it for this part! It’ll be awhile before there’s more but I will continue. And a round of applause to Turquoise for sharing her practical insight!
> 
>  
> 
> (Turquoise bowing) It’s a gift.
> 
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> 
> Be sure to favorite, follow and leave a review. Peace!

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s it for this one people! Do you like it? What were your favorite moments? Let me know what you think in the reviews and be on the lookout for more installations of this and my other works. Peace!


End file.
